I have two things: a lot of time and a lot of opinions. Kyiv has several things: among them, a lot of bad restaurants and strippers. While there are plenty of people who are more qualified than me to comment on strip shows, there are probably few people who eat out as much as I do (three meals a day, much to the dismay of the Producer and our bank account. It's not my fault he's not here to cook for me. Oh, wait, yes it is).

I sense a niche.

I'm going to start reviewing restaurants. Giddyup!

Let me outline a few of my biases first.

• Ukraine has plenty of charms; its food is not one of them. While I appreciate the value of eating locally in theory, I don't do it regularly. It's too fatty, it's too bland and salo (the ubiquitous hog backfat) is appalling. If I find one, I may review a place that serves "good Ukrainian food," but don't complain about the dearth of local places.

• I don't eat seafood where there's no sea or reliable refrigeration. That means about 50% of the menu in most places off limits, since sushi is au courant. Any respectable (notice how I didn't say "good") Mexican restaurant in Kyiv has a sushi menu.

• I have a really hard time yelling "devushka!" (which translates literally to "girl") across the restaurant to get a waitress's attention.  I KNOW it's SOP and more like "ma'am" in practice but we Americans are conditioned to be polite to the help.

• I wasn't here ten years ago or five years ago or even one year ago. Of COURSE there are a lot more now. But "better than it was before" is not a good standard against which to judge the current crop of mediocrity.

• I probably will not bother with the super-high end joints, unless my sugar daddy is buying.

People say "surely restaurants in Kyiv are better than in Baku!" Actually, they are not and I have a theory why.

Azeris generally do not eat out, either out of custom or financial necessity and when they do, it's in national-style restaurants with floor shows, not foreign establishments. Still, there are dozens of western-style restaurants in Baku and many of them are decent in terms of quality, value and service.

I attribute this to the fact that foreigners are still the primary clientele in Baku. Drunk rigmonkeys have high standards. Pity the server who snarls over the beer or the kitchen slow to serve up the bangers and mash. We frequently boycotted places with exceptionally bad service (Fisherman's, anyone? They say it's better now with new management, but last time I was there it was as bad as ever) because there were plenty of other options.

In contrast, restaurants in Kyiv are for Ukrainians (as they should be) who perhaps aren't quite as aware of recent advances in the service industry. There are lots of places here that wouldn't look out of place in a western capital, but they badly mangle translations of foreign specialities (it's called "fusion"). Futhermore, if you're in a hurry, it's a good idea to ask for the check when you order. Factor in the Oligarch aesthetic (expensive, overdesigned=good) and you have a city full of culinary train wrecks. You can't boycott places with bad service or crappy, overpriced food either, or you'd starve. Debates rage over whether to tip or not: foreigners are expected to, but why encourage bad behavior?

There are exceptions, of course, and I will do my best to point them out.  Suggestions? Pass 'em along. Difference of opinion? I probably won't care.

And let's be clear here. You think I can't be bought? Try me.

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